Where do I go from here?

So I've decided to update this thing again. Maybe I'll do it more often now, or maybe this is a one-time thing.

It's been a whirlwind of a year. Bouncing from place to place, attending weddings, trying to keep up with schoolwork- I feel like there's barely been a moment to breathe. But now, as this summer is settling out, I've realized something. Compared to last year, which was what I like to call highly structured chaos, this coming year is like a vacuum. Everything is up in the air and I don't know when it will come back down to earth and let me know what's going on.

It feels weird to not know where I'm going next. Not just my next vacation or volunteer trip, but in life. I guess it's finally sinking in because I've started applying to veterinary schools, and I honestly don't know what to expect. My plan in my head (which has been there as long as I can remember) is to attend Cornell Veterinary School. I think I'd like Ithaca, the culture there seems to mesh pretty well with my own personality and the winters can't be TOO bad, right? Right? Okay, let's face it I'll probably freeze there. But it's where I want to be, and so I'm willing to take that risk.

Recently, however, the possibility that I've always known has finally begun to sink in. What if I don't get in? Regardless of what friends and family say about my grades and my extracurricular activities, I know that there's a very real chance that I WON'T get in, because getting into veterinary school is hard. Like, really hard.

So if I don't end up there, where will I go? I'm applying to schools all over the place because well, if I'm not going where I originally wanted to, why not go somewhere crazy like London? Or Dublin? Or Australia? (My parents have their arguments against this, but have not been convincing enough to keep me from applying).

Of course, there are other American schools to which I'm applying. I could end up at the OSU in Columbus, Ohio with my cousin and her fiancé... er... well I guess he's actually her husband now. I'm still getting used to that. Or maybe I'll be in Philly, close to my friend Amber. Or perhaps Tufts, just 40 minutes from my brother in Boston.

Basically, all of this not-knowing is killing me. But not because I'm scared of any of the situations, except maybe the one where no one accepts me. But even then I could take a gap year or apply late to St. Georges. My problem is that ALL of these options are appealing to me in different ways, and I don't know how to choose. Having options is kind of terrifying. When I applied to undergraduate, I had already decided that I wanted to be at Stony Brook, and I was reasonably sure that they would accept me. I applied to two other schools to make my parents happy and to give myself an out in case I decided I had to leave Long Island, but really, the choice was made before I applied.

I wish Veterinary School could be like that. I wish that I didn't have to run through all of these back-up plans and just-in-case scenarios. Maybe all of this fretting is for naught, and I'll get into Cornell and that will be that. But I can't bank on that, and I won't know what's going to happen until spring semester next year. And that's what terrifies me.

This picture was taken on Long Island. But it could be anywhere. 

Something

"Something has changed within me/ something is not the same." -Elphaba (Wicked)

It's been a long time since I posted here.

Sorry to start out with a cheesy broadway quote, but it's been bouncing around my head lately because I really feel it. I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling but since coming back from Galapagos, things are just different. I feel restless, impatient, and almost apathetic, all at the same time. In the past year, I've seen so many different places and ways of living that I just can't quantify what I want anymore.

It's difficult to tell if this last trip was more influential than the rest, or if it's just a cumulative effect, but I'm feeling more and more disconnected from society. When I returned from Costa Rica and Honduras, I felt the disconnect initially, and then it faded. Now, I feel like it's growing stronger.

I lost my cell phone yesterday, and to be honest, I don't want it back. I will switch my service over to my mom's old blackberry at some point today, but if I don't find my droid, I'm seriously considering buying a cheap phone with just texting and phone-calling capabilities- you know, the "simple life." I think I'm more concerned about my reaction to losing my phone than about the actual absence of a phone from my life.

On the other hand, I'm quite excited for all of my classes this semester. And I'm excited about applying to vet school at the end of the semester. And I'm excited about Ghana and Harry Potter World and all of the other things I'm doing.

I don't really know where I'm going with any of this, but whatever this change is, I don't think it's a bad thing. Don't worry about me- I'm not depressed or anything. And also don't take it personally if I act strangely or seem disinterested in you. This is just another part of my growth as a person, and it may take some time to settle out.

Or, I could be completely wrong and it's just a short phase from my re-assimilation into the grand old American way of life. Only time will tell.

And here's a reward for reading through this nonsense:


It's a picture of a blue-footed booby with Daphne Major in the background. I guess that's really only a reward for biology/evolution nerds, but oh well, this is my blog.